High Noon At The Candy Corral

It certainly is summer. Now that school is out I see more and more mothers out shopping with their children in tow. The children get bored, the mom loses her patience, add heat, humidity, stir well and you have the recipe for a summer showdown. We've all been there.
Last week I was picking up Birthday cards at the drugstore. In front of me was a frazzled looking Mom with her two children. The youngest was somewhat contained in a small shopping cart, and the other named Jeffrey appeared to be about 6. I knew his name was Jeffrey because drugstores aren't that large and I had watched as his mom chased and called after him through the entire store. What should have been a short stop at the drugstore had turned into a 20 minute fiasco. Obviously Jeffrey was under the impression that when his mother said stop, that meant go. And so it went until his mother had managed to corral him into the register line. Once there Jeffrey was a busy boy handling every piece of candy gum and mint within reach.
By this time Jeffrey's mother was so visibly upset she was trembling. "Jeffrey stop! Put that down....NOW! Jeffery noooooooo" And then it happened, the last straw so to speak. Jeffrey pulled down an entire box of candy bars onto the floor. His mother scooped them up and squared off to face Jeffrey. By this time she was hissing. " Don't you dare touch another single piece of candy". Inwardly I groaned. Jeffrey smirked and slowly, every so slowly, he reached out with one finger and proceeded to poke everything he could reach. The showdown was over before it ever really started. Hands down, Jeffrey won. The mother rolled her eyes and all I could hear was Jeffrey shrieking with laughter as they left.
Now I have to ask. Why did Jeffrey's mother level a threat with no intention of following through? From Jeffrey's behavior the answer is she never has followed through with any consistency. Jeffrey knew the odds were in his favor. Parents word to the wise here. Discipline early, discipline often and always, always follow through.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Keep It Simple

This was the mother of all birthday parties. About 10 years ago I had a sweet child in my preschool class who was soon to be 4 years old. Her mom had asked if she could provide a special Barney themed party for her daughter. She also wanted to know if a few family members could attend. I usually encourage small parties for the children without much fanfare, but this had been a difficult year for this little girl because her parents were getting divorced. So I said yes.
On the day of this child's Birthday, 10 am sharp, I had the children seated and waiting. I heard a knock on the door and there was a life size Barney calling out my name. "Ms Donna! Ms Donna! I have birthday greetings for Kylie!" Now let me explain. Not only was this the real purple deal but along with Barney was the whole film production. There were cameramen, sound crews, stage lights and oh yes, family members. About 12 of them. The Barney crew entered my room dancing, singing and music blaring. I was shocked and just a little in awe. The only thing I could think of was to close my mouth and try to smile because all of this was being filmed. Boom mic and all.
In the hour or so that followed we had a featured song and dance with group participation of a song called, Mommy and Daddy are divorcing but they still love me, a grand gift presentation of too many gifts along with Kylie blowing out her birthday candles. We actually had 2 takes of the candle scene because the 1st one didn't get all of Barney's head in the shot.
I finally got up enough nerve to signal the mom and cameraman to wrap it up. I actually used the directors hand signal of cut. This made Barney laugh. Still in shock I ushered the entire Barney entourage outside and thanked them. The cameraman shut off his camera and asked for a piece of cake. Barney and his business manager had long gone. Yes, Barney had left the building.
The rest of the day was a blur. I tried to have a normal day but it seemed the children were in hyper Barney warp. All they could do or talk about was Barney and their part in the Barney dance routine. Little did they know that when they left that day each of them had their own DVD of the party along with Barney dolls stuffed into designer gift bags. 16 of them to be precise.
How do you top this? Believe me parents try. Birthday celebrations are no longer simple affairs with friends, family and cake, but elaborate themed Hollywood like productions. No wonder when a child reaches the age of 16 they are disappointed if they aren't handed over a set of keys to their new car. Enough is enough. Parents set expectations and if a child is whiny and demanding they need look no further than themselves.
I have so many parents ask me for advice on children that are demanding and whiny especially when shopping with them. These are the same children that come into class sporting the latest cool celebrity themed clothing or bragging about their new video games. First of all 4 and 5 year olds should not be so merchandise savvy. I find it very sad that these children are bragging about material items.
Parents if you don't want your child to be demanding or whiny you need to stop giving into the more is better way of thinking. Start by keeping celebrations and gift giving simple. Do not buy them every trendy item or toy that hits the market. And please please, do not try to top a Hollywood version of a Barney themed Birthday party. Learn to say no.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Learning Through Play

I hate to admit that I am old but I guess I am. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that I am 52 and will soon be 53. The changes I have seen in my lifetime are nothing short of extraordinary. Funny, but I remember my grandmother saying the same thing. I know that there will come a time that my children will acknowledge the same. And so it goes, to be repeated by each generation that follows the one before.
When I was a child I played with a red trike, a doll and mud. There wasn't much else out there. I was blissfully happy clutching my doll while riding my bike and oh yes, covered in mud. { I have pictures } My sisters and I spent our summers playing, catching fireflies and pretending. Our imaginations were fertile fields that grew all sorts of fanciful fairy tale scenarios. It was so enjoyable a time that I still remember those summers that were so very long ago.
Play is so important for growing children. I am a firm believer that children learn so much through the simple act of playing. I am worried that the sophistication of toys, computer games and the ready abundance of movies geared toward children is taking away imagination fueled play. In other words, children are being entertained by things. The buzzing brightly colored bi-lingual games and toys children play with are expensive, flashy and just a little too easy.
One of the major differences I see in the preschool children I teach now compared to the children I had 20 years ago is that the children today are easily bored. In a classroom setting these children are busy with their writing, cutting, artwork and center play. During this time they are content. What I notice is when these same children have free gym or playground time they tend to lose interest and repeatedly ask to go back to the classroom. It seems as if they have lost the simple joy of playing.
The makers of children's toys and their marketing reps fill magazines and TV commercial time with ads on the benefits of educational toys and computer games. I understand the pressure parents feel to provide every opportunity to enrich their child's life with knowledge. We want our children to have that "edge" and at an early age. After all it is a competitive world. The only concern I have is that these games are so unnatural. They require very little manipulation. Usually just a point and a click. The information is instant and easy...too easy. Where is the mud? Where is the sense of discovery?
Maybe it is just me and I am getting old. But I do think the best way for children to learn and experience life is through play. When a child is entrenched in imaginative play they do not get bored. They can be anything or anyone they want and the possibilities are endless. I just worry that when the children I teach today grow up and reflect back upon their childhood, they won't remember how they played but only have a vague recall of antiquated computer games.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Be A Parent Not A Friend

My sons truly are my best friends. Now that they are grown adults that is. The parent -child line has blurred and we are easy within our own company. It was a long road getting to this point but well worth the journey. Trust me when I say it was not always this way.
When my boys were young my husband and I ruled over them and our way was the only way. We were their parents, not their friends. For a good portion of those years they probably didn't even like us very much. This being said, they did love and respect us. One thing was certain, in those growing years they never questioned who was in charge.
Something interesting has happened in the some 20 years that I have parented and taught preschool. Parents no longer parent through strength and example but try to evoke good behavior in children by being their friends. I see this where I work and in various social settings. Parents acting silly, teasing and using this playful sing-song voice that screams, "please like me so you will do as I say without putting up a fuss." After several attempts and the inevitable failure, the parents then turn into adult robo cops and bark out instructions. Now the child is not only scared but confused.
The obvious medium here would be for children to have consistent authoritative adult parents that set rules and expectations calmly without morphing into agitated rulers. Not that this will guarantee perfect behavior. Children are children and we expect them to misbehave from time to time. When they do misbehave that is the time for the parents to step up and discipline. Only parents can discipline their children, a friend cannot. Being the parent and not the friend will do two things. It will eliminate confusion and teach respect. After all is said and done, if a child doesn't respect their parents it is almost impossible to get them to follow directions.
Being a Mom or Dad, having a job and parenting small children is no picnic. We are taxed emotionally and physically. I know that parents often try to find the path of least resistance when it comes to disciplining. Nothing is more exhausting then having a major meltdown with your child over an insignificant matter. It is tiring and frustrating for everyone involved. The playful friend-parent approach mayhap worked when first used but long term it is quickly ignored by children.
It truly is okay for you to expect your children to behave and if they do not, it is also okay for them not to like you or the set punishment and discipline you give them. The little known fact here is that children thrive in an environment where there are set rules and boundaries. It makes them feel secure. So who better to set those rules than you the parent? There will be time for you to have true friendship with your children but that will not happen until they are grown. For now be your child's parent, not their friend. It works best this way. Trust me.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Over Involvement

All parents want to protect their children, after all it is what parents do. It is our job. We protect them when they are tiny helpless infants and it continues as they grow and strive to overcome the restrictions of their environment. We childproof our homes, cover sharp corners and keep our fingers crossed.
As hard as it might seem there comes a time when parents need to let go. Children will stumble and they may fall but a wise parent knows that a child will get back up. Children will encounter many falls not only in the physical world but also in the emotional social world.
We go through a child's first few years protecting them from danger. We follow, we prevent and we try to protect. One of the hardest things a parent will experience is watching as a child gets hurt. We tend to blame ourselves and redouble our efforts to keep that child from ever experiencing hurt. Dear parents, this is as unrealistic as it is an impossible goal. Your efforts could actually even harm your child.
We want to foster strong children with the ability to look within themselves for strength and not to look to their parents. At the age of 2 we need to step back and help our children learn how to cope on their own. They need to know that ever little bump or fall does not require parental intervention. More important are the relationships they have with their peers. At the age of 3 and 4 children become social little beings. It has always been a pleasure to watch the beginnings of the social aspect of a child's life. As a preschool teacher, listening to their lunchtime conversations is so sweet and entertaining. They are learning the give and take of how to get along. This is true social behavior and not to be mistaken with the self absorbed aspects of the toddler or 2 year old who is more concerned with the ownership of a toy.
If a parent continues to intervene or 'fix' their child's playground disputes and squabbles, by the time that 2 year old becomes 4 he or she will look to his or her parents to solve all of their challenges. Several years ago I had a sweet 4 year old girl who told her mother daily of every slight and every difficult obstacle she had faced during her day. " So and so wouldn't let me play with her," or, "So and so wouldn't share their puzzle with me," etc. etc. and so on. Her mother would then corner that particular child or their parent and confront them about something that had happened earlier on in the day. Now these are the same challenges each and every other child in the room faced but the other children had the ability to work through these problems and go about their day. This little girl didn't have this ability because she had been taught from an early age to look to her mother to fix all her problems.
Although well meaning, this particular mother was so over protective that she had stunted her child's ability to cope. I can only imagine how this mother and daughter relationship would evolve during the upcoming years but I am certain of one thing. It would be a very dependant one.
Serious problems during the preschool years can and will occur. Use your common sense on when to jump in and help. But in the every day dealings and social tug of war of the preschooler, it is best to let them work through their own day with little help or involvement from their parent. I know it is hard to do, but sometimes we need to take a deep breath, step back and cross our fingers.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Save The Praise

Every child deserves praise for a job well done. Praising a child for going above and beyond expectations is appropriate and lets a child know that he or she is appreciated. What I see now are well meaning parents over praising children to the point that the praise seems disingenuous.
Recently I was in my local grocery doing my weekly shopping. There was a father there with his young son also shopping. His son appeared to be around 4 or 5 and was helping his father by placing items into the cart. It seemed that we were shopping for the same items because I followed the duo by 1/2 an isle through the entire store. I overheard this child's father say, "good job Matthew" at least 4 times per isle. Every time Matthew placed an item into the cart he earned a "good job Matthew!" from his father. Matter of fact, Matthew didn't even have to work for his praise. If he just turned the cart onto the next isle he earned another, "good job Matthew." I feel confident in saying that Matthew had long lost the meaning of what good job meant.
Matthew and his Dad were loading their groceries into their car as I left. The barrage of compliments and praise continued. "Matthew! Daddy is sooooooo proud of you! What a good helper you were. Great job! You earned lunch at McDonalds." I do feel certain that Matthew enjoyed his lunch with his Dad if only in the fact that if his Dad ate also, Matthew would at least have a moments peace and quiet.
Too much is too much. Praise should be handed out sparingly so that when used, a child knows just how special it is. If a child receives too much praise, after awhile he will simply stop trying. Studies have shown that high achievers usually come from home environments where praise was limited and had to be earned.
So remember praise when appropriate but do not overdue. And Matthew if you are out there. You really were a good helper to your Father and I just bet hearing one " good job!" from your Dad would have meant so much more than the 20 or so that followed.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Little Ears Hear

Who doesn't remember 9-11? It is the single most defining moment in my adult life. I can think of no other more horrific sight as watching those innocent people leap to their deaths to escape the burning inferno of the World Trade Center. My husband and I had just returned home from a beach vacation. We had listened to the radio coverage while driving home and then rushed into our house to turn on the Television. I remember both of us watching the live coverage and trying to digest what we were seeing and hearing. In the hours that followed we checked in on family, talked to neighbors and prayed. We finally turned off the TV and tried to sleep.
I had class the next day. Fear and uncertainty seemed to be the rule of the day. You could see it in the anxious faces of all my co-workers and the parents who brought me their children. We had all seen something that we would never forget. We were obligated to go about our day but our hearts and prayers were with the victims and families of those that had perished.
After greeting my class and settling them into their day we gathered for snack. An extraordinary thing happened. The children began chatting with each other about the terrorist attacks. One of the children described seeing the planes crash into the towers and all the black smoke. He mispronounced the word terrorist so he began referring to them as the bad guys. Another boy talked about all the people that were painted white and were running from the fire and smoke. That made two other children start crying and one of the girls said she was afraid of planes and her daddy worked at the airport. I was stunned. Obviously these 3 and 4 year olds had been allowed to watch the live coverage of the devastation. I can't imagine how disturbing these images would be for a young child to digest. I asked the class to raise their hands had they watched the news about the plane crash and fires in New York. The entire class raised their hands.
Snack was forgotten. We gathered on the floor and I took out a large white poster board. Underlined in red I titled it. Your child's thoughts on 9-11. I asked each child to tell me what they remember seeing on television and to describe how it made them feel. They took turns and one by one they told me what they remember seeing and hearing. Justin remembered seeing the people painted white that were running and he said they were ghosts of the dead people. That made him scared. Sarah is afraid of airplanes now and her Daddy works for the airline. She wanted him to come home. It made her feel scared. Preston didn't like the fire because it burned people and makes them scream. That scared him. On and on. One by one they told me what they had seen and how those images impressed upon them the horriffic memories they will carry for a long while. I taped the poster to our front door with a request for all parents to turn off their TVs.
There is a time and place for children to learn of war, injustice and human suffering. Bad things do happen and often times our world is a dangerous place. Our job as parents is to protect our children from images and sound that even we adults struggle to comprehend. So when would be the proper time to explain these harsh realities to our children? I can't say for sure but I am certain of one thing. 4 years old is way too young.
Remember Little Ears Hear: Little Eyes See.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

What A Difference 20 Years Makes

What a difference 20 years makes. That is the number of years I have been teaching preschool. Today was the last day of school for my graduating class of 4 year olds and as usual it was an emotional day. Lots of hugs, a few tears and off they go. Twenty years, and it never gets easier. On days like today I reflect back on my very first class. Those children would now be 24 or 25 and possibly even parents themselves. I wonder if they remember me, if they ever look at their old class photo as I do and have fond memories of school and a much younger Ms. Donna. It’s doubtful but one can always hope. Teaching preschool was a job I took when having had just moved to Nashville Tennessee, my husband’s company restructured and his job was phased out. We had a new home, two growing boys and a large mortgage. My next-door neighbor knew I needed work. She was the director at her churches preschool and one of her teachers had had emergency surgery. She needed a teacher and I needed a job. And so it began. I took the job out of necessity but stayed all those years because I truly enjoyed what I was doing. Who knew? In the years that followed my husband has had several great jobs. We moved to North Carolina and in the midst of life my boys grew up, went to college and became exceptional men. One has married and now is a father himself. My husband and I have been blessed with a precious granddaughter. What a difference 20 years makes…. So very much. I remember each class, each child, their names and even the nuances of their blossoming personalities. Over the years I have taught, disciplined and loved hundreds of children. As individually unique as each child was, the one constant would be the anxious doubt and worry of their parents. That has never changed nor will it ever change. Parents worry. Today after saying goodbye to my class I made a decision that what I have learned these past 20 years was worth sharing. And so today I will begin doing just that. I will be here several times a week to encourage parents, to answer questions and to share helpful no nonsense tips to help you parent your preschool child. So take a deep breath, write down your questions and…………… “ Ask Ms. Donna.”

Over Scheduled and Over Tired

Being a first time grandmother I realize how fast babies grow up. Already my granddaughter is 7 months old and I soak up every second of time that I have with her. I hold her every chance I get and my favorite time spent with her is during her afternoon catnap. I put her on my chest, put my feet up, turn down the sound on the Television and listen to her breathe. Nothing makes me happier.
The Television happened to be on a national 24-hour news channel. I noticed the AP scrolling across the bottom of the screen with news from across the country and world. The anchor was silently debating politics with a split screen duo of scowling men. The top right hand of the screen flashed the current time and weather in all time zones, the bottom right hand showed stock gains and losses leaving the top left hand corner to inform us of various sports scores. It was absolute information overload. I was thankful the sound was off. Ironically at that moment the AP scrolled the results of a national educational study. Evidently school age children are too busy, too tired and too over scheduled to take the time to read a book for enjoyment or for information. I’m pretty sure we did’t need a national study to tell us this.
Our society is a frantic paced frenzy of technological tuned in, turned on, hooked up, online living. It starts with adults and trickles down to our teens, adolescents and preschoolers. Is it just me or are cell phone users getting younger and younger? I am amazed at how many elementary aged children carry and use cell phones.
This rant does have a purpose. Recently the Director of the preschool where I teach had to request that parents turn off their cell phones during carpool. It seems that children were trying to say goodbye to their parents but the parents were too busy talking, doing business and scheduling appointments to acknowledge their child’s departure. The amazing thing to me was that not only did there have to be a formal request typed and handed out to each parent but that the parents themselves were annoyed with the memo. I heard their complaints the very next day as they picked up their children. In-between talking with each other or on their cell phones, collectively they were not a happy group.
One mother in particular comes to mind. She was equipped with a handless talking device. Her son was trying to show her the artwork he was so proud of. She was talking nonstop to someone on the phone about having 3 Halloween parties to take her children to. It happened to be Halloween day and our class had already had a party. So her son would apparently be attending 3 more. He was 4 years old. Not once did she make eye contact with her son. She directed him to grab his lunchbox and hurry. Again he tried to hand her his artwork. She waved to another parent down the hall, grabbed her sons hand and left. I looked down and there on the floor was the artwork, still crumpled from where he had clutched it. That broke my heart.
I know that this mother left the building, put her son in his car seat and probably popped in a DVD for him to watch on the way home. I am guessing that enabled her time to make several more phone calls before going home, gathering her clan so they could attend 3 Halloween parties.
All this child wanted was a warm greeting, acknowledgement of the work he had done at school and some quiet conversation with his Mother. Instead he received terse instructions, avoidance and a maddening round of social engagements. If only they knew��….how fast they grow up.
Parents please turn off the cell phones. Turn off the TV, the blackberry, the computer or anything else that keeps you from tuning into your own child. Gather up a some good books and spend a few moments reading to them, laughing with them and making eye contact. Maybe you could even rest with them. If your very quiet and if your lucky maybe you can listen to them breathe.

Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"